I mean, all that Foreshadowing I’ve been doing over the past few months better have been going somewhere, right?
Well, if you’re interested in my personal life (and really, who’s not nosy enough to be interested in someone else’s personal business?) go ahead and Read More. Otherwise, just ignore this and continue looking at other things on your Dash. Oh, and sorry this isn’t Pokémon or Sailor Moon or any other ordinary thing related. This is just my life.
I’ve been counting down to a really important event in my life. One that’s kind of hard to talk about because of how just knowing this makes people act differently to you. I can just hope that this doesn’t wreck too many of my Tumblr Relationships, follower count, etc. (currently sitting at 72 Followers, let’s see how far it drops).
If you’ve creep’d down to the earliest posts on here, then Congratulations! This post will not surprise you. If you haven’t, then let me start at the beginning.
I am transgender. A Male-to-Female Transgender person. I was born male on the outside, but I’ve always felt female on the inside. This disconnect between the outside of my body and what my mind and heart feel is awful. Years of my life have been spent depressed and feeling worthless because I couldn’t look in the mirror and see someone valuable looking back at me. In order to be happy with myself, I have been on a journey to change the outside of my body to reflect what I feel on the inside.
I have been on this journey for years. It cost me a four-and-a-half-year long relationship with someone, many friendships and opportunities, and has been anything but easy. And I’ve had it comparatively easy, to boot. I’m nothing special to look at, but I pass. That means that when people see me walking through the mall, or standing in line at Wendy’s, they look at me and see someone obviously female. Maybe not the prettiest girl that’s ever walked in, but clearly a woman. I know people,have friends, that aren’t as lucky as me. They don’t pass. And people who I consider my friends continue to misgender those other friends who can’t pass as well as I do. Honestly, I feel like they see me the same, but are too polite to say so to my face.
Add to the fact that I feel guilty that I look as passable as I do and you can see why my guilt is my greatest weakness.
I have been on hormone replacement therapy (hereafter referred to as HRT) since the very end of 2009 (like, the last week). So considering a 2010 start date (which makes more sense) I’ve been on HRT for over four years. I’ve developed decently (as decently as someone who started in their early twenties can, I guess). I must have changed well, since I pass to a decent degree.
Of course, you probably see where this is going. What I’ve been counting down to. The final task set before me.
As you are reading this (assuming you’re reading this when it was originally posted and not on an archive binge), I am entering surgery for genital reassignment. Or ‘gender confirmation’ if you’re super generous. ‘Sex change’ if you’re really crude. This is honestly a bit scary for me. Not because I don’t want it to happen. I want this more than I’ve wanted anything ever. This is scary because of complications. Because maybe I’m not prepared. Maybe I’ve tried to rush through this too quickly. I’m lacking faith in myself, I guess. But I know that I want this. That I need to do this becuase I hate my body so much that I’ve considered harming myself to be rid of the part I hate the most.
Thankfully, I’m a total coward who could never harm herself.
I started this tumblr, with the title of “A World of Grey” not just because I’m an N fangirl. But because this blurred image is how I felt about myself at the time.I felt grey. Without direction or distinction, lost in the a world of grey morals and grey role models. “It’s not always Black and White,” after all. I needed an outlet to get support from. I had to be able to put my thoughts and feelings out there somewhere so I could have them outside of me, to help me process them. Doing this helped me focus myself, helped me come to terms with my emotions, and helped me achieve personal growth.
This personal growth has helped me to become so much happier than I was in 2008 or earlier. I have confidence in myself now. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I participate in a local Pokémon League with some funny kids, I have a steady job with great friends, I have a wonderful boyfriend who accepts me for who I am, and I’ve even started writing again. (Writing Pokémon Fanfiction is better than nothing, right?) I am comfortable in my body, and I can look in the mirror and see myself without any regrets or qualms.
Oh, well one qualm. But I’m getting that sorted out as you’re reading this.
When I wake up from this sleep I’m in, and my nightmare is over, I will post one more image (no prize for guessing what it’ll say) before I resume my regular process of reblogging stuff that makes me smile. Though I might be a bit slow to get going, what with recovering from a major surgery.
If you have ANY questions about what I’ve gone through, or my life, or… anything, in fact, you may ask. I won’t be offended no matter how short-sighted or potentially obvious the question is. I’m sure there are people among my (currently) 72 followers who have little-to-no contact with transpeople and I can make this a learning experience.
I am tearing open the curtain so that we may have open dialogue about this. (though if you want it to not get posted to my blog, make sure to tell me to answer privately because I am bad about posting public things that shouldn’t be public)
See you on the other side.
If a 16 year old would want to adopt a child no one would give it to her because she isn’t 21 yet or not an adult or maybe too irresponsible.
So if a 16 year old is so irresponsible and not an adult yet so she wouldn’t even be allowed to adopt a child, then why would the government force her to get that child even though she might not want it?
Let’s talk about how logical the bill against abortion is now
50 shades of this